A Little Piece of Wonderland
by LadyBow8
Summary: This is an Adventures in Wonderland one-shot collection with various little stories that come to mind. Most of them are told through Skype to my dear friend Jenna, and then fixed up and polished for posting. Most stories have to do with Hare and Rabbit, our favorite Wonderlandians, and they can be quite scandalous, so read with an open mind and get ready to laugh!
1. Collection Note

Hey AIW fans,

While I'm working on other projects and shirking my new (longer) fanfic for the show, The Passion of the Hot-Tub, I've been telling very short stories to a friend of mine just for some laughs. They're a little bit esoteric in that they contain bits of head-canon shared between us that are mentioned without further explanation, and we insert ourselves into Wonderland (or the characters visit us.) For that reason, the stories mainly just cater to us, so they're a little different from the usual stories I tell. However, they've been fun writing exercises and I can't shake that they might be enjoyable for others, so here I am, posting them. Each chapter is an entirely different idea written on a different day.

Also, I've got to warn you, even though you probably expect it if you've read my stories before: there are adult concepts. Characters drink, have sex, swear, other things like that. Not all the time, and not explicitly, but still enough to make Wonderland a little different than it, um, looked on television! The stories also contain a little bit of adult-oriented commentary by Jenna and I that happened while I was telling them.

On to the stories!

~J


	2. Hare's Scandalous Proposal

**Hare's Scandalous Proposal**

It was late at night.

Usually, Rabbit would have gotten out of his work clothes, had a short, luke-warm bubblebath, and put on his nighties, but he was wrapping up a wipe-down of the kitchen and taking a short trip to the bunny water closet before letting Hare in through the back door.

Hare slinked through the door wearing a dark trenchcoat, a fedora, and shades, and he darted his eyes in every direction just to make sure they were alone. He took so much time looking around, squinting, and wondering if it was safe that the highly bedraggled Rabbit slammed the door shut behind him just to make a thorough point that he barely had time for this shit. Hare was (predictably) startled.

"Well, what is it?~" Rabbit asked. And with that he flopped into a chair and started undoing the latches on his rollerblades.

"The Queen's asleep? Just like you said?" Rabbit rolled his eyes.

"Of course she is. It's ten past midnight." With that, he tugged off one of his rollerblades and sent an offensive odor in Hare's direction.

"Oaghgghh DEAR GOD."

[7/30/2014 10:41:22 PM] Phantomwise: ow, I snorted that I hurt my throat.

Rabbit almost wanted to cancel their meeting before it had even started, but he swallowed his irritation and continued to air out his bunny feet. "You're free to tell me why you're here as soon as you like, He'a~. But in ten minutes I'll be up those stairs and heading to Bunny Quarters." Hare grimaced and backed into the wall. He snatched away his shades.

"Okay!" He caught his breath a bit. "I was wondering..." Already, Rabbit was frowning. WONDERING?! He could have submitted this in writing. "...If you'd design a cake for me."

[7/30/2014 10:44:48 PM] Phantomwise: lol what the hell

He stopped fumbling with the velcro on his wrist guards and gaped at him. "A cake~~? Why in the world would you need me to design a cake?"

"Well... ighghh..." and suddenly Hare got all pouty and rosy-cheeked. "It's for a... surprise."

"Oh?"

"It's for a... um... um... a special surprise." His knuckles rose to his teeth, where he nibbled anxiously. Rabbit's eyebrow cocked.

[7/30/2014 10:48:52 PM] Princess Orlokz: (can I say it cocked or must I say he cocked it? XD)

"What is it, a biirr~thday partyeh~?"

"Hehghhhh... Nooo..." Hare wiped his already sweaty palms. For some reason, it was especially hard to break this to Rabbit! "I-I was gonna ask J-J-Jennifer..." His eyes roamed all around the room, anywhere but to Rabbit's face, as the words stayed trapped on his tongue.

"O-O-ohhh... OHHHHH. Reeallehhh~?"

"Ehehh...ehehghh..." Hare answered.

[7/30/2014 10:52:24 PM] Phantomwise: awwww

"Oh, well that's marvelous, Hare. Congratulations," Rabbit threw out, with less of an edge than before. I mean, truly, he was happy for him, but exhausted. And who even knew if she'd say yes.

"Thank you...eheghh..."

"Well, I guess I could make you a cake. Just one cake." Hare did a dance in place. "Let's talk about this during decent hours, hm?" Rabbit suggested. He knew Lambsy must have been missing him terribly, all up in his room alone.

[7/30/2014 10:56:28 PM] Phantomwise: aww poor lambsy

[7/30/2014 10:56:38 PM] Princess Orlokz: that's the name of his lamb in my head-canon. XD

"Okay," Hare said.

"How about tomorrow during lunch? If I stall on her majesteh's finger sandwiches long enough we can chat about it much longer. can you come around twelve-thirtehh~?"

"I-I can do that! Just don't tell anyone. It's a secret! Not even HATTER knows yet!"

"Alright, alright," and Rabbit swished his hand without realizing it. Hare took the hint and hopped on out.

The next day, Rabbit had taken care of all the chores out in the courtyard and Jenna strolled up to greet him. "Rabbit~!"

"Egghhh, finally visiting me in my own turf, I see~~... none of that mathematician hoping about on number pogo-sticks or the like..." He trailed. Jenna looked confused for a second. "Or whatever it is you have going on in that house. I don't remember these things, Jenna~. I'm old and they're absurrrd."

Jenna just gave him a good huggle, and he glanced all around to make sure nobody saw and then nuzzled into her, sighing with satisfaction. Hugs were nice after a long morning of work.

[7/30/2014 11:05:00 PM] Phantomwise: :DDDD

To be honest, he totally forgot hare was stopping by, but there he was, giving him a... truly uncomfortably wide-eyed grin. "Hey Rabbit," he tried to say casually, but he was jerking his head in Jenna's direction as though he needed to indicate to Rabbit that he noticed she was there. "I can see what you're doing, you know," Jenna said. Hare winked. Jenna raised her eyebrow.

Together, they all went into the kitchen. "So what kind of cake did you have in mind, Hare~?"

"Something big. And white. And fancy."

"Okayyyy..." Rabbit answered. He was sitting next to Jenna at the bar, who nodded silently but wasn't sure what the fuck Hare needed a cake for. "So did you want me to write the proposal in frosting or something~?"

"Actually, no... I-I... well..." he giggled to himself. "I wanted to ask myself."

"Well then what in the world do you need the cake for?! Is it a party? You can't assume she'll say yes."

Hare frowned for a second. "No~... I was thinking I could pop out of the cake."

[7/30/2014 11:11:20 PM] Phantomwise: XDD I knew it

Jenna turned to Rabbit: "Like a stripper?"

"I think you're confusing the proposal with the bachelorette party," Rabbit said. Hare frowned.

"I thought everybody had a party to say they loved each other and wanted to get married. It's how my parents did it."

"Yeees... and didn't that turn out won-" Rabbit started, but he caught himself saying something very rude and coughed loudly. "You didn't want to come out naked, did you?"

"No."

"Please tell me you plan to wear more than a g-string."

"That's for me to know and you to find out!"

"Ohhh, I won't be there, I promise you..."

It's true, Hare had some clothes tucked away from a special chapter in his life that he thought would be perfect for such an occasion.

[7/30/2014 11:17:14 PM] Phantomwise: of course he does

Jennifer had this way of making him think he was hot enough to pull off sparkling short-shorts around /anybody/.

"So let me get this straight: you want me to build a giant fancy cake that you can jump out of. And then you're just going to propose to her, covered in it, head to toe?"

"No. I was thinking... you could make a little cake-door that I can just shove out and I climb through it."

"A cake-door. ...You know, Hare~, there's baking and then there's your imagination. I hardly know how you would pop out of a cake without destroying it." Jenna nodded.

Jenna was making Hare nervous. He thought he had all kinds of good ideas but they were all being shot down and now Rabbit's girlfriend was here, to boot?! "C-can I come back later?" Before he got a response, he ran out of the room.

[7/30/2014 11:22:41 PM] Phantomwise: aww

"Well I think it's cute that he wants to pop out of a cake," Jenna finally said. Rabbit thought it would impress her to consider the whole thing impractical, but now he was wondering if there was anything -he- could pop out of to win Jenna's affectionz.

[7/30/2014 11:23:26 PM] Phantomwise: XDDD

[7/30/2014 11:23:54 PM] Phantomwise: he could pop out of anything and I'd think it was cute

Later on.

I found Hare scuttling around all worried and anxious so I jumped him and showering him in affectionz and gave him a flower I found on the way there to put on his jacket, and luckily Hatter wasn't allergic to it.

The end.

[7/30/2014 11:35:31 PM] Phantomwise: it was a cute story

[7/30/2014 11:35:38 PM] Phantomwise: so did hare get the cake he wanted?

[7/30/2014 11:36:40 PM] Princess Orlokz: yes

[7/30/2014 11:36:42 PM] Princess Orlokz: and it was a mess

[7/30/2014 11:36:46 PM] Princess Orlokz: I had to lick it off of him

[7/30/2014 11:36:48 PM] Princess Orlokz: in the shower

[7/30/2014 11:36:55 PM] Princess Orlokz: after everybody left


	3. Bed Time Methods

**Bed Time Methods**

One day, Jenna and Rabbit were in Rabbit's room watching a delightful, magical movie. I don't know, Ever After or something. But while they were cuddling, Rabbit accidentally farted, and he knew how much Jenna hated farts so he felt absolutely awful. He tried to cover it up, but she knew what it was, so he said "excuse mehhh~" and left the room and cried in his hands.

He called up Hare, asking how he joked about these types of things.

"OHHhhh, calling MEEEE, huh?!" Hare answered. Hare was not sure if he was flattered that Rabbit considered farts to be his near only area of expertise. "Well I tell my lady she looked cold."

"That's ridiculous," Rabbit said.

"Exactly! It makes her laugh!"

"I don't think Jenna would like a joke like that, He'a~... she's already complained it's stuffy in here."

"Fine. Tell her... tell her dinner was excellent tonight and it was just your asshole's way of saying thank you."

"Oh God, that's even worse."

_[8/19/2014 9:55:10 PM] Phantomwise: it is_

"What is wrong with you?!"

"Jenny asks me the same thing."

"Besides, _I_ cooked dinner."

[8/19/2014 9:56:56 PM] Princess Orlokz: ggughghhuu... I like the idea of hare calling me jenny

[8/19/2014 9:57:21 PM] Phantomwise: lol that is cute

So Rabbit continued to argue with Hare on his cellphone in the palace hallway. "You know, I think I was wrong to ask for your help. Goodnight," Rabbit said, and he hung up on Hare.

So he goes back into his room and Jenna's standing by a window, fanning the fresh air on her face. Rabbit stumbles over his words for a moment. "I-I-I... I'm sorrehhh... When you're old like me, they just slap on out."

_[8/19/2014 10:03:50 PM] Princess Orlokz: kidding kidding_

"I wasn't expecting that," is what he really said.

"Expecting what?" Jenna tries to ask politely. "Were you arguing with someone out there?"

"Oh... yes... the Hare likes to, um... prank call me."

"You'd think he wouldn't have time anymore, what with Jennifer's ferocious appetite," Jenna says.

"Oh, he makes timeee... yes, he~ does~~~..."

_[8/19/2014 10:07:56 PM] Phantomwise: he has time set aside to prank Rabbit_

_[8/19/2014 10:09:12 PM] Princess Orlokz: "I've always wanted to call Rabbit while I was in the middle of intercourse"_

_[8/19/2014 10:09:20 PM] Princess Orlokz: "just to make him uncomfortable"_

_[8/19/2014 10:09:26 PM] Phantomwise: oh god_

_[8/19/2014 10:10:17 PM] Princess Orlokz: me: "sorry, but no"_

_[8/19/2014 10:10:20 PM] Princess Orlokz: "put the phone down"_

_[8/19/2014 10:10:46 PM] Princess Orlokz: he's the kind of guy who bursts into the bedroom with a safari hat and a net_

_[8/19/2014 10:11:11 PM] Phantomwise: lol_

_[8/19/2014 10:11:56 PM] Princess Orlokz: and nothing else_

Completely different story on a different night, but related to the previous scene:

I just pictured Hatter and Hare having a business card for bedroom skillz, and Rabbit calls it up, and they come over and they're like "you need to learn how to breakdance on the bed."

Rabbit: "I think the only thing I'd be breaking is my back."

"Well, what YOU need to do is learn to make it LOOK like it's breakdancing! Try the backwards riverdance. Jenna's jaw will drop. She'll be mesmerized."

Then Hatter goes: "Now here's the next thing - this lamp post. Do some hip-rocking on this thing and she's yours forever."

_[8/19/2014 10:17:58 PM] Phantomwise: lol what_

"Hatta~, I'm not 30 anymore."

"When you get changed here at the dresser, do it in slow motion and make gurgly roaring noises like a bear on tranquilizers. She wants to feel like she's got a wild man in the house."

_[8/19/2014 10:20:04 PM] Phantomwise: XDDD_

"But a man she's ensnared."

_[8/19/2014 10:20:39 PM] Phantomwise: I'd probably take him to the doctor if he made "gurgly roaring noises like a bear on tranquilizers"_

_[8/19/2014 10:20:54 PM] Princess Orlokz: a point rabbit makes_

"At the very least, you'll get her attention, and she'll hold you close to examine you and make sure you're not dying," Hare says.

"Tell her you're alright... now that she's there," Hatter adds matter-of-factly.

"Keep a wine bottle in your sock drawer," Hare says.

"I don't wear socks," Rabbit says.

"Then keep it in your bedside drawer next to your letters from Nor- I mean."

"How do you know about that?!"

"Lucky guess?" Hare clears his throat and continues. "Last, _but not least_, buy some lady's lingirie." Rabbit glances to the fourth wall on the verge of face-palming. "Get yourself a flowy transparent nightdress that cuts off just below your buttcheeks."

"Well, with Her majesteh's line of plus-size clothing, I could find some that work, but... I'd rather not... Besides, I don't think Jenna's into the same things as Jennifer, Hare."

"So horizontal river-dancing on the bed, lamp-post hip-rocking, and slow-mo dresser roaring," Hatter continues on obliviously.

"I'll... um... try that out next time." Rabbit says, but in the back of his mind he wonders if Jenna would think he looked crazy, if anything... like some kind of animal doing a mating ritual.

_[8/19/2014 10:32:08 PM] Phantomwise: not crazy, just...confused and maybe sick_

_[8/19/2014 10:32:12 PM] Princess Orlokz: xDDD_

Besides, all he wanted to do was seem more interesting after hours! It was not a booty call, he thought to himself indignantly. Besides, his booty couldn't even call anymore. The most it could do was whisper... very faintly... "I'm still here... even though you've fallen on me a million times..."

Back at home, Hare was rubbing some body butter on his and looking at himself in the mirror. "Mmmm... now I smell like fresh bamboo and honeydew melon~! And I'm wearing green underwear today!" He's very proud about this.

_[8/19/2014 10:36:38 PM] Phantomwise: I_

_[8/19/2014 10:36:42 PM] Phantomwise: I'm sure he is_

The end.


	4. A Very Cozy Nap

**A Very Cozy Nap**

One day, Hare had been up all night being adorable.

He had no control over this. He got excited and was hopping all over the place.

There was going to be a meteor shower and he had pointed Hatter's telescope at the stars until very late. Around two, he was going to go to bed, but Hatter wanted to stay up and tell awful jokes that only a 7-year-old would think was funny, and giggle under the covers. Hare got up and started giggling in front of the window, wearing nothing but his tighty whities, and Hatter was like "Hare, I know my neighbors are far away, but can you not?"

But Hare was like "I CAN NOT BUT I WON'T WANNA, WOOOOOOO" and he shook all that junk and did a sass-twirl. Nobody knew this, but Hare had had half a wine-cooler before they went upstairs. He was a light-weight and already buzzed, but he tended to act a little drunk anyway, so Hatter couldn't pinpoint what was going on while he whoop-whooped all around the bedroom and flopped back on the pillows so hard the bed was like a trampoline.

So by morning, he realized he had all kinds of chores he needed to tend to, and on top of that he was going through the mirror to meet me. So he gathered the laundry off the floor, and he vacuumed, and he scrub-a-dub-dubbed his tub and got off all the soap rings. He organized his bath toys, and he cleaned the mirror, which needed it awfully because he had been brushing his teeth so close and splattering toothpaste.

He realized he was out of his favorite tea, to make things worse, so he came to visit with very red sims bars, if you catch my drift, and he slumped over on the couch while we were watching TV. I, fortunately, had chamomile to spare - just one. But when I made it, it just made his eyelids heavy as lead. He was sooo relaxed that he was falling asleep.

I would try to make comments to him about what I was watching, about how stupid and sexist various commercials were, but he would barely even answer, and if he did it was just a very ambiguous "mmmphghh.." I looked up and could see what was going on, and I bit my lip because I wanted to gush and coo at this gaping-mouthed honeh-bunneh passing out on my couch, but I knew that would disrupt him.

So instead, I took off his shoes very carefully, turned him sideways, got a blanket that didn't fit and his feet were sticking out the bottom... so I got another blanket, and I put a comfy orange couch pillow under his head, made sure the tea was in reach, and gave him a huge smooch on pretty much every inch of his face, which did slightly wake him up, but they were moments he was happy to somewhat consciously experience!

He slept the rest of the afternoon and woke up surprised. Then I made him dinner.

The end.

[8/25/2014 10:06:53 PM] Phantomwise: aww

[8/25/2014 10:07:05 PM] Phantomwise: you better have cuddled him too

[8/25/2014 10:07:23 PM] Princess Orlokz: yes

[8/25/2014 10:07:28 PM] Princess Orlokz: when he got up, we had massive cuddlez

[8/25/2014 10:07:43 PM] Phantomwise: good, good

[8/25/2014 10:07:54 PM] Phantomwise: bunnies need their cuddles, you know

[8/25/2014 10:08:04 PM] Princess Orlokz: yes, yes

[8/25/2014 10:08:05 PM] Phantomwise: if they were a sim, they'd have a bar just for cuddling

[8/25/2014 10:08:10 PM] Princess Orlokz: xDDD

[8/25/2014 10:08:23 PM] Phantomwise: I try to keep Rabbit's full

[8/25/2014 10:08:35 PM] Princess Orlokz: I just thought of a game called Bunneh Cuddlez

[8/25/2014 10:08:47 PM] Princess Orlokz: where you must keep Rabbit and Hare properly cuddled or you lose

[8/25/2014 10:08:51 PM] Phantomwise: XD

[8/25/2014 10:09:00 PM] Phantomwise: sounds like a very rewarding game


	5. The Nipple

_**The Nipple **_

So one day, Rabbit was folding his bunny boxer shorts, in his bedroom, and he had set up this activity very precisely, so that nobody would walk in on him. He didn't have a lock on his door, and he found the situation compromising.

The Queen walked in on him, and she was quite pissed, because he had neglected to dust the curtains in the royal library, and for the first time ever she was in there, drinking wine by the window, when she sneezed, and she got dust in her wine. She found it totally unacceptable. "You should have guessed this would happen!" she said.

She startled him quite a bit. He was also embarrassed.

To make matters worse, later that day she complained about it when Hatter and Hare and the Tweedles visited the palace, right in front of them, in all the details. Rabbit was furious. He wanted to yell at the Queen for talking about his bunny boxer shorts in public.

Hatter was like "it's nothing to be ashamed of."

Rabbit was all "I'm not ashamed; it's just none of your business."

"It's no big deal," Hare says. "Hatter and I see each other's all the time."

Rabbit was totally flustered and threw up his hands and did a little solitary confinement dance. He was like "that makes me less and less inspired to even talk about it! End of discussion!" Which he shouted in his highest voice. Meanwhile, the Tweedles were standing there awkwardly. They didn't want to know any of this.

Hare thought Rabbit really was an arrogant prick, so he said "I see how it is!" and he invited everybody to an underwear party at his house. "I'm going to show everybody my underwear. Because it's glorious underwear. Especially my pair of wonder-wear. Makes your dick look twice as big."

Well, the Tweedles weren't interested. And neither was Rabbit. And neither was Queenie. And neither was Alice. Nor the Caterpillar. Nor the Cheshire Cat. Nor the Duchess. Nor the Walrus. Nor anybody in wonderland besides Hatter.

So at seven'o'clock the next evening, Hatter comes to the door. "Let's see the goods," he says.

"Hatter, you've seen them a million times."

"I don't care."

Hare frowns. "I wanted people to see my underwear." It's hard to say if Hare wasn't waiting for the right chance to throw this party, anyway. He looks around outside his house over Hatter's shoulder, but seriously nobody else is there, and he sighs. "Get in here, you naughty sir."

Hatter hops inside and closes the door and swishes his hands together. "You're going to model them, right? Oh, try on the training bra first." Hare goes into his room with Hatter but he's quite deflated. He goes to his drawer and pulls out the training bra and starts stripping down. There's a mirror and he just frowns into it while he unbottons his shirt. "This is lame." But he puts the bra on anyway, and does a swish or two and looks at himself.

Hatter: "needs the matching underwear."

Hare: "I don't know where those went. They disappeared."

Hatter frowns. "Maybe they're at the bottom of my laundry basket," he says, but Hare finds his wonder-wear and gives them a try. Suddenly he has an idea. "Hatter. I've got it. We'll prank call Rabbit."

So he does a little dance and thrust in front of the mirror and then finds his portable phone. They roll back onto the bed giggling and then suddenly go very quiet and start dialing. It's Rabbit's private flip-phone number.

It rings.

1...

2..

...3 times

*click* "HelloooO~?"

Hare puts on a falsetto voice. "Hey, you big bunny, you..." Hatter's face is already pink. He covers his mouth.

"I-I say I say I say... who is this?"

"I... I can't tell you who I am, but I see your fluffy cotton butt every day at the royal mailbox, and I get so aroused~~" he tried, but he can't finish his sentence. "I wanted to tell youuu- I'm wearing pink silk and lace... it rubs up on my nipple and makes me think of you-" Hatter and Hare roll around snickering.

"A-alright, that's enough. Who is this?!" Hare opens his mouth to answer, but after a short pause, only laughter comes out, which Rabbit recognizes immediately. "He'aaa~!? He'a~, is that you?! Why in the wooorld would-" but they hang up.

So they just have a laugh riot.

Hatter: "IT RUBS UP ON MY NIPPLE AND-?! XDDD"

Hare: "WELL IT IS"

Rabbit's off on a royal erand, but his face is cherry red and he looks over his shoulder to make sure no one catches him in such a flustered state. "OHHH, THE LAHST THING I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IS HARE'S NIPPLES."

The cat appears. It is just not his lucky day. "what the fuck are you talking about?"

Rabbit: "AHHHGH! Get lost, cat! I'm not elaborating!"

"Well! somebody's in a shit mood," he says, and so he vanishes looking super amused. "Niiiiippppppppppllllllessssssssssss~~~~meowwww"

Back at Hare's, they've somehow worked themselves into a hot, sweaty underwear frenzy. They poured all of Hare's tighty whities on the bed and are doing bad things in it, and Hare has no idea that his prank went so far. "I'm hungry. wanna make me a sandwich?" he asks lying down in the underwear pile. Hatter's face-planted right on his bellybutton. He doesn't answer. "Hey. Get up and make me a sandwich." He pokes him. His head falls back down on his pillow and he grumbles to himself before his tummy gurgles right into Hatter's ear.

"AHH!" and he lifts up his head. "Mmmgh, I'm hungry. Wanna make me a sandwich?"

Hare frowns. "We'll both get up and we'll both make sandwiches.

"I want ham and cheese," Hatter says.

Hare: "I want peanut butter and jelly."

[11:17:56 PM] Phantomwise: awwww them making sandwiches is really cute

[11:18:03 PM] Phantomwise: and in their underwear lol

[11:18:09 PM] Princess Orlokz: it's the gay-man dynamic

[11:18:16 PM] Phantomwise: lol

[11:18:19 PM] Princess Orlokz: oh no, they're naked

So they participate in naked sandwich making. Hare wonders what would happen if he put himself in the peanut butter jar but decides he'll worry about that another day.

So by the next day, they wake up and Hare gets a message from the Tweedles on his answering machine. A lot of gossip has gone about Wonderland since yesterday, so Dee tells Hare that Rabbit might be asking for his hand in marriage. Hare's horrified. He runs into his bedroom, pounces on Hatter until he comes to, and explains it. "HE MUST HAVE GOTTEN THE WRONG IDEA. ABOUT THOSE MESSAGES. I NEVER KNEW HE WAS SO MADLY IN LOVE WITH ME."

Hare snaps his fingers and does a little booty swish while kneeling in front of Hatter. "I mean he can't have all this! This is just too much to handle." It really would be too much for him to handle.

Hatter: "Of course it is. It's mine. And I'm known for having too much."

Hare: "too much is too much."

Hatter: "mhm. how true that is."

Hare: "and you're a whole lotta hatter."

The end.


	6. Dracula

**Dracula**

What if Rabbit thought he was Dracula?

Like he sleep-walked and got himself a cloak, and put on fake fangs, and wandered to Hatter's house. And he was all "blehhHHHHH~~~..."

And Hatter was like "what the fuck?"

So he called up Hare because Rabbit wouldn't get out of his room. He kept insisting he was going to suck his blood, then forgot where he was and started bumping into things. Hare was like "you need to kick him out. Forcefully shove that bunny out of the house and lock the doors."

Hatter was like "who knows what could happen to him out there!"

"Hey, he made it all the way there. He can find his way back." So he goes back to the palace and into the queen's room, and Queenie's like "AGGGHGHG!" and slaps him until he wakes up.

He feels awfully embarrassed, just mortified about this. He's afraid she thought he was hitting on her, or trying to commit sexual assault or something. He wonders if he's going to be fired. He tries to apologize, but he can barely speak with those fake fangs. He spits them out: "your majesteh!, I'm sorry. I had no idea what I was doing."

The End.


	7. Genie Rumors

**Genie Rumors**

_I'm a genie,_

_I'm a genie_

_with a ten foot weenie,_

_and I showed it to the woman next door_

_She thought it was a snake,_

_so she hit it with a rake, _

_and now it's only seven foot four._

I can picture Hare saying this to me, trying not to snicker, like at a really inappropriate time, like when I think I'm by myself. I'd slap him with a dish towel or something and be like "OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SO IMMATURE." He would just keep laughing and run away from me, and then come back and say "Rabbit taught me that. It's a story about him. He used to have a ten foot w-"

"Stop."

"Weenie."

"Stop it!"

"The queen got rid of the other seven feet and four inches."

"GET OUT OF HERE."

Somehow he tells me an elaborate and somewhat convincing story later that night, under the covers. The next time I see Rabbit, I say very tentatively... "did you used to be a genie?" He just squints.

Somehow it gets around. Weeks and weeks later, Max is like "your friend, she had better get her priorities straight. Herr Proops tells me his past is magical and peculiar."

"Don't listen to hairy proop, okay? He doesn't know what he's talking about. He's got his own problems." Max just looks at me like he doesn't get it.

"I'm just saying she better get her shit together."

"Her shit's together, Max. He's just a 70 year old bunny."

"700 year old."

"No."

"I'm just stating the rumors."

"Max, I thought you were actually a critical thinker. This is very disappointing."

"I think there is language gap," he says.

"Listen. Do you want cream in your tea, or what?"

And life goes on.

Phantomwise: Dodgson hears about it and for some reason, he thinks it means that I'm into genies, so he tries to convince me he's a mathematics genie who grants math wishes with an even longer weenie

Mrs. Bouncy Ears: XDDD

"I've seen your weenie. It's not that big."

"DID NOT."

"I did. Unfortunately. You ran around the yard naked."

"You saw it when I wasn't in my full transformed genie state. And it was freezing out.

Phantomwise: I'd say "besides, math wishes are lame."

"ARE NOT."

"Then you just suck at making good math wishes."

"Oh? How do I make a good math wish?"

"There are some fantastic ones out there, that are unspeakably indulgent. Well, now that I've sat through all this torture, why would I help you make a good math wish?!"

"Fine, I don't want a stupid math wish anyway."

"I don't want you to want to make a math wish, anyway, because then I'd have to obey it. I want somebody who despises you as much as I do to rub my lamp and make the most scandalous number wish ever."

The end.


End file.
